I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You Might Also Like
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Go hard or stay average
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Denise please return my vape pen
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
…u ok Nintendo?
brian had himself a morning…
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.