Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
There is no “we” in pizza
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.