Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.