Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
You Might Also Like
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Pikachu found the lost joint
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.