Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
all bases covered
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.