In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.