-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
The Joker was right