sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Plant care tips
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?