The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*limbos away from your hug*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*