Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.