[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him