My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me