we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
All set.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.