All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
This is Sparta
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.