Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong