[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).