[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
They’re on their honeymoon
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.