Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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It has been 3 years since Monday.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.