Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.