“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha