“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,