I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
They also CAN sing✌️
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.