I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls