Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency