I bet birds love this building.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Rather alarming headline…
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough