Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Note to self: I am a note
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work