Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
this has done me in for some reason
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year