Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You Might Also Like
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.