Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie