My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.