How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
B
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?