you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato