Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
This classic never gets old . . .
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.