oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing