Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
You Might Also Like
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.