Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*