Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.