I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk