“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.