Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Love how Gatorade βflavorsβ are like βicy chargeβ and βCascade crashβ and βArctic blitzβ instead of things that would even remotely indicate what youβre about to taste
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: Youβre adorable
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go π
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
CEO: whatβs the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
π
BOSS: Howβs the project going?
ME: Itβs going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it wonβt be done in time?
ME: Iβm not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely wonβt be done in time.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, hereβs another one.
No, I didnβt ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-Iβve forgotten my groceries
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If thereβs cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I donβt make the rules.
My daughter is angry that I wonβt let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like Iβm some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.