A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified