DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
How to wake up a Beagle
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”