me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
it must be school picture day
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.