*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I feel seen.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.