Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
it must be school picture day
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like