*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare