me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)