Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
School be like
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.