Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?