FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.